Coping with DNA Surprises

Recently, Laura Hill, a fellow researcher and newly discovered relative (via DNA) of my husband, reached out to me with these questions. She connects to my husband on his Curtis line, and the surname Hill is a coincidence.

Last night I listened to a webinar on the basics of DNA. There were some questions from the listeners, but then the moderator and the presenter started talking about the ethics of DNA. They said one should not be asking how a match is related lest there be a non-parental event in which the other person was not aware.

The moderator went on to say that her best friend has been traumatized and going to receive counseling after learning some family secret via a DNA test.

Would you characterize your husband and you to have been traumatized to learn that he did not descend from a Hill ancestor? Does it make you/him wish you had never taken the test? Do you think it wrong to ask about how they are related to oneself?

The moderator was also saying that one shouldn’t contact people to inform them of the new-found relationship: in your case, that you shouldn’t contact Curtis descendants of your husband’s ancestor.

I feel that it is good to make connections. I used to have an idealized view of my ancestors, but through DNA and genealogy I realize what goes on now also went on then; there are no perfect people. 

If I learned my father had created a child outside of marriage, I might feel differently, but suspect after the initial shock I would want to welcome a newly found relative.

What’s your opinion? Laura Hill

I appreciate these questions because DNA surprises will have an impact on others. Before I submitted my own DNA, I thought about the privacy implications and weighed the pros and cons.

1. There is a possibility you will learn something you did not know about your family. Take a moment to consider the chance that you might learn something unexpected. Are you prepared to deal with what you might learn?
2. DNA is a tool used by law enforcement to solve crimes. If you or someone who shares your DNA has committed a crime, your DNA could be helpful in an unsolved case. Although, not having your DNA will probably not prevent the case from being solved because thousands of others have shared their DNA results.
3. People take DNA tests for many reasons. Some are only interested in their ethnic make-up. If you are not interested in the other uses of DNA results, you can keep your results private by not sharing them or deleting them once you learn yourr ethnicity.

The moderator of the Webinar you attended would be very unhappy with me. Not only do I reach out to others who have tested, but I also contact people who have not tested. I send letters to people who I believe are close relatives of the adoptees I am helping. I am gentle but factual with the information I give. If I send a letter to a gentleman who I believe is the father of an adoptee, I share the information I have. It is not uncommon for a man to have unknowingly fathered a child. If he wishes to make a connection or research this further, I will help. If the possible father does not respond, the adoptee has gained powerful and validating information.

The Curtis Research

Although I have not finished writing about my research experience about husband’s DNA, suffice it to say, he should carry the surname Curtis. After years of research and collaboration with other DNA testers, we have discovered a non-paternal event in his line. My husband’s grandfather on his paternal line was not his biological grandfather. We are not damaged or traumatized. Our discovery happened over some time and we, believe his grandfather knew that he was not the father. He was an incredible man. Not only did he raise a child who was not his, but he also embraced the child and gave him his name. The fact is, if it were not for the non-paternal event, my husband would not be here today! Damaged, no. Grateful and proud, yes.

In the coming months, this entire research project will be posted on my website. I have stared with sharing information about Susan Lloyd and James Patterson Hill, Sr. and there will be more to come. I hope you enjoy reading it.